Transitions

Judge-mental

just me — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 04:45:29 +0000

I just don’t understand why it is people who really don’t understand spiritual things, who can really only speak from a carnal or physical point of view, from physical or carnal experiences, why they try to act like they know knowledge and have understanding. People who have not spent more than one minute trying to REALLY understand God, or get to know God on an intimate level. Usually their attempts to understand God consist of asking Him the proverbial “WHY” when things just dont seem to be going the way they want them to. When their life keeps adding up to a negative. Or when they are in a dire straight making oaths to God for this and that, if He would only deliver them from that moment. These kind of people speak on things which they know not of. One says we are not to judge one another. One must then ask what do you mean by judge? Because Jesus Christ Himself taught us to judge, and that judgement starts at the house of God. He said we would know the tree by the type of fruit it bares. He also said His sheep hear His voice. These are all measuring sticks, and help us to judge. We are taught to try the spirit, to see which it be of. The Word of God judges. The world does not understand what it means when they say judge, and they dont understand what Jesus meant when He said judge or not to judge. He did tell us we should condemn (judge) no man, for only the Father can do that on the last day. But He did tell us to determine (judge) what kind of spirit is working in a man. You see even in the Hebrew the word judge means to deliver, or deliverer. Just read the Book of Judges. Thats the book before Kings btw.
It’s just so hard sometimes when people don’t understand that the Bible is the unerrant word of God. There is no flaw. So if it says out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh, then thats what it means. There is no literal or metaphorical hidden meaning behind that. It is divine wisdom which came from the mouth of God in the flesh. People say things they don’t mean to say, not things they dont mean. And it usually slips out on the back of an angry spirit for to cause confrontation and destruction. Things that have been held back from being said during normal conversation, the deepest most inner thoughts or contemplations. The truth of what one feels or thinks……all judgemental things. Things worse than that which the world cannot even accept coming from a child of God based on the Word of God and dealing with the salvation of one prisoner’s soul. I really get lost when one cannot beleive the Word of God is true and real, and alive. I mean all you have to do is turn on CNN and see the war over there in Gaza, the same old 5000 year old war over the same land over the same reasons. All of which are explained and even written about thousands of years ago repetitively. All of which are accurate and current as they were the day they were written.
There is none harder on themselves, or more judgemental of themselves than a true Christian. If I had learned to judge better a long time ago I wouldn’t have had to go through everything I’ve been through to get where I am. But then again God judged what I would need to go through in order to do what He has called me to do, and He judged me able to make it through it. I’m glad my Judge is just and full of mercy, and I pray I may judge others with the same heart. Amen

Finding Favor

just me — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 03:16:59 +0000

Its really interesting how easily it is to lose sight of the true reason why we do what we do, why we follow the word of God, why we separate ourselves from sin, commit to following God’s right ways, why we repent and strive to achieve completeness in the Spirit through obedience. Obedience is probably one of the easily misunderstood and misapplied parts of following Jesus Christ. This is a sin, that is a sin, so thats why we dont do those things. It says in the bible NOT to do these things, and those things, so thats why we dont do those things. It says in the bible that we SHOULD do these things, and SHALL do those things, so that’s why we do all of that. Well yes but the reason is so much deeper than that. The psalmist David asked God to turn His face from his sins and blot out all of his iniquities. He asked God not to take His holy Spirit from him, and not to cast him from God’s presence. David knew it was a broken heart and humble spirit which the Lord found pleasing. Ezra commanded Jerusalem to confess their sins and do God’s pleasure. The root word for the hebrew word pleasure means to be pleased with, or also to satisfy a debt. The world will not comprehend the thought of pleasing God. We as followers of Christ do not do all of the above mentioned things for any other reason than to please our Father in heaven. If you take the root word for pleasure in hebrew and apply it the fashion of satisfying a debt, it is clear why we follow God’s commandmants. WE OWE HIM FOR OUR LIFE. We owe Him for His forgiveness. It is a gratitude from our heart which drives our desire to find pleasure in our Father’s eyes. We must know what He finds pleasing, we must not assume God will forgive our transgression after He has already pardoned us from our death sentence. If we say “Oh He will understand, and He will forgive me if i do this or that” that means we have no gratitude in our heart for what He has already done for us. It means we don’t think we owe him anything for what He has done. Jesus said give thanks in all things, show thy gratitude…..that’s what pleases God. An ungrateful child brings much sorrow and frustration to the parent. Why would we want to bring sorrow to our King? Following Christ in obedience is honoring the giver of the most valuable gift any giver could ever give, life. Deliverance. We bring shame to God, we dishonor God when we claim the Word, and teach the word, but do not the word. It is the doer of the law whom shall be justified. It is the condition of our heart as we follow Christ, and do as Christ did in his example of obedience. It is the only way we can repay our debtor, the only way we can find pleasure in God’s eye’s. We do it because we love our Father, as He hath loved His children, not because its right or wrong to do it or not do it. Our obedience is out of Love and thanksgiving, not because its required.

Point to Jesus

just me — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 08:50:02 +0000

Where do I begin. On the last day of my 33rd year of life, as I cross over into a new year which God feels that I should have the opportunity to continue living, I finally begin to realize how this thing really works. Through a year of making mistakes, losing focus, fighting to get it back, establishing myself in the world and in the church, I have bounced off of enough walls to last me a lifetime. One could only hope to get through it and hold on to something worth holding on to. After getting another chance to pray over a dying grandmother which I blew the first time, and getting blasted by a person who I love so very much, all on my birthday no less, I begin to understand what I have been doing wrong for so long since I gave my life to Jesus Christ and how to begin to change it. This process has been so trying, as I have known there was something I just didnt get, something I was doing wrong which held me back from carrying the message of Jesus successfully. All of the knowledge and truth God had revealed to me, all of the miraculous events I had witnessed, and I just seemed to always fall short, and push people away rather than guide them to the place where Christ is as I so badly wanted to. I always wanted to tell people too much of what was true instead of simply encouraging them that God would reveal it to them. God would lead them as He led me to that place, as it is only He who can do this. I tried to step back and wait but I had to continue to fail so I could learn what didnt work and what not to do. As I know now that everything I have tried was vain, it was because God wanted me to see that i could do no good thing. That I could not do it on my own, and the credit would never be mine. i am ok with that. I realize I only need to encourage people that God is alive, and will recognize their heart. He will guide them, he is fully capable. Less is more. Let go and let God do the work. I just need to stand as a testimony, living proof He is alive and all powerful, and seeking out His children to be delivered. I have a tendancy to get too deep too quick out of season. I give too much information and detail at the wrong time. It is simple, and I need to keep it that way. keep the focus on jesus instead of what Jesus has revealed to me. there will come a time to share revelation and “meat”, until then keep the pure milk flowing. Someone has to be hungry for meat, and when they are they will ask for it. All I have to do is point to Jesus, and stand on His grace. I dont have to worry about a person finding the right Church, cause God will lead his children to it. His sheep hear His voice and follow it. He will tug on their heart, they will desire to know the truths and where to find it. Those that seek shall find. He will guide them to green fields of pasture, i mean I’m living proof. it’s not about what I can tell someone, but what is their hearts desire. I’m tired. I’m broken. I’m hurt. But I’m thankful. I need to get out of the way, and let him lead it. All I have to do is point to Jesus……..

Unshackled

just me — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 07:07:34 +0000

If one could imagine the world, or tap into the revelation of the Spirit in seeing the world through spiritual eyes……hmmm what a concept. Well have you ever seen the ol’ ball-n-chain from the old time prisons where the prisoner actually had a metal ball or cannon ball attached to his leg by a chain. He literally had to either carry it or drag it around with him where ever he went. This prevented him from running, or at least running too far. What a picture God gave me when I received this revelation as I was praying tonight. I was meditating on the fact my body is God’s temple, how He bought and paid for it, for me to be freed from the bondage of so many things in my life, so many things in this world. Hmmmm………… I began to see the world as a big ball (which of course it is certainly shaped in such a manner) and all of my sin and worldly desires as chains that bound me to it. This is so significant spiritually. Even the purpose of the ball and chain keeping the prisoner from running correlates to how the worldly lust and our giving into worldly ways can prevent the believer from running the race Paul preached about so often. How giving into the flesh and co-mingling with the world can separate us from God in such a manner, it’s as if we are running in place never progressing in the race to the finish line. We must make it to the finish line, and who can run a race when chained to something as heavy and enormous as this world. Why would someone choose to bind them self with and to this world? Why would I? I can’t lift that ball, let alone carry it. It’s too massive and consuming. And I was definitely once a prisoner in this world, not only physically, but I’m talking spiritually. My soul was locked up in this world and it’s fate according to God’s plan for it, but He delivered me from that bondage and broke the chains that kept me bound to that ball. He bought me, paid a down payment, and is coming back to collect what is His. I no longer belong to this world. I am no longer a prisoner of this world, but I am a prisoner of the Kingdom of Heaven, where Jesus Christ is King and sits on the throne of Judgement. Righteousness flows from His seat, and His mercy sets the unworthy free. How then shall I not keep this temple holy and free from defilement. How then should I not touch any unclean thing if He has made me clean enough to enter into His court and be declared not guilty of all that which I AM guilty of. He has washed me with water clean enough to bring the dead to life. How blessed am I, are we who believe? Our King is faithful and just, should we not honor Him by being Holy as He is. If we could only see our carnality and sinful desires in this light, how could we ever choose to put the shackles back on our feet when they are connected to something as big and immovable as the earth? We can go nowhere. You could even look at it this way spiritually….if our spirits and souls are chained to this world when Christ returns, how can we go with Him when He carries His harvest off. That is the whole concept when speaking on separating ourselves from the world and everything in it. We live in it, but we are not of it. Oh Lord thank you for this revelation, thank you, thank you. Keep it in front of my eyes at all times my King!!!

Gratitude

just me — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 06:42:21 +0000

How is it possible to lose the gratitude I had for the most wonderful gift of my entire life? How could I not wake up and be so thankful that my entire face glows with a radiance that people would complain of how bright it is. They would have to cover their eyes or wear shades just to talk to me. All the times I was so happy to get the present I wanted for so long. My face glowed for days or weeks, everytime I used it. Eventually it would lose its luster, the present. But how could something that is not able to be compared to anything on earth lose it’s luster. How could the gift of life ever lose it’s luster. Does the guy on death row who recieves a pardon ever forget, or ever wake up and not be thankful for his life? I guess it is possible only because the life he was given wasn’t adding up to what he was holding on to for so long. But that would be his fault because life is what you make of it. It’s no different with my life with Jesus. It is what I make of it, nothing more, and nothing less. Even as I have made mistakes and fallen short of what I know Jesus asks of me, he has always been there holding on to me. He has continually taken care of me, and picked me up when I have fallen. He has always let me know He is still there even when I think He has forgotten about me, even when He probably should have forgotten about me. So, shouldn’t that in and of itself make me wake up every morning with that glow on my face. Wake up thankful, full of pep, on fire for Him, hungry for more? Why is it I am so hard on myself, and then I allow that hardness to cross over into my heart. Instead of rolling over and hitting the snooze button, why am I not jumping out of bed, hitting my knees, and thanking him for yet another day that I can sing His praises and share His goodness. Another day that I can enjoy the beauty of His creation, enjoy the fact He has chosen me to give me a pardon from my death sentence. Another day that I can share Him with someone who is lost, and visit someone who sits on the same death row I was pardoned from. Another day that I can tell that person on death row there is a Judge who will set him free if he will just agree to completely devote his life to serving Him, and thank Him for his life everyday, and allow the joy of what that Judge feels in setting him free to shine through him everyday. Can it be that I have forgotten where I came from? I am thankful. There is no doubt about it. Why do I hide it? What am I angry about? Can’t I just be thankful for what I have? I want certain things, and i suppose i have wanted them in my time, when I felt I deserve them. I lose sight of the fact I didn’t even deserve life, or that pardon Jesus gave me. If that is the only thing I get on this earth, isn’t it enough? I mean what else is there to possibly want? I have everything already and the devil wants me to believe there is more to have than life. Of course he would because he cannot receive a pardon, his fate is sealed!!!!!!!!!!!

My posts

just me — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 07:48:58 +0000

If you’re here I just want to say God Bless. These are in order beginning with the most recent first…..

You can navigate here or through the pages link to the upper right, click on a blue link below to read it…….

Half Full

just me — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 07:39:13 +0000

Sometimes we get so used to looking at something we dont really see it anymore. It kind of fades in with the landscape ya know. Well i gotta tell you my whole life, well actually for 29 years, I always looked at things a certain way. If a glass was filled half way up with something, I would swear up and down it was half empty. And I never really got what it meaned that I saw it that way. i used to laugh and say “NO! it’s half empty”. I would argue with you as long as I could get your attention about how it was half empty. Well it wasn’t until I gave my life to Christ that I found my self seeing the glass half full. it’s all about the state of mind I was in. I was depressed and cynical, complaining all the time, miserable and all in all very negative. I always heard people tell me I was negative, yet I always believed I had a pretty good outlook on things. i was deceived to say the least. i believed I could make a gazillion dollars and that one day I would, yet I always saw the cup half empty and did not see anything weird about the two beliefs existing together. Now I understand the belief I would be a millionaire and that I had a better life for me waiting in some dimension, existence, if I could just get there, which i thought drugs would help, was the life God had waiting for me if I would just take hold of it. I am so rich, so wealthy, in the things of God and the Holy Spirit even though you would never know it by my bank account. I had this idea that I was better than any rock star, any movie star, or oil tycoon, and I had more rights and reason to have what they had than they did. It is so crazy how I had this innate sense, even though i was way off in substance, that I was so special in this world and deserved the best it had to offer. In retrospect I see it was my calling and God purpose that I sensed that made me feel apart and above this world and what I had in it at the time. My God, how perfect His ways are, and how we cannot comprehend his plan of action. It’s no wonder I always saw my cup half empty because it was full of worldly things. And if it is full of worldly things it is empty of spiritual. My cup wasn’t half empty when it was really half full of the world, it was totally empty…period! Seriously though, I didn’t even know what joy was back then. i had people in a bible study explain it for 45 minutes when we were going over the fruits of the spirit, and I still could not comprehend what joy was. i had never felt it, and it was directly related to the way I saw the half empty cup.

How can someone be thankful for something that’s half empty. There is no appreciation in that. There is no gratitude in saying thankyou for my half empty glass of water. It doesn’t even sound right. it sounds full of sarcasm. But it flows to say thankyou for filling my glass half way, thanks for my half full glass of water because I appreciate you giving me something to drink. or I am thankful i have at least a half a glass full of water. Does it make sense to say thankyou for my half empty glass of water. or at least my glass is half empty. hmmmmm. Doesn’t even sound right does it? Seeing the glass half empty is just negative, negative, and negative. if you see the glass have empty you can rest assured you have a hard time finding the good in a bad situation. You have a hard time finding the good in anything. You probably can only focus on the bad things in anything and any situation. it is so toxic to live life with that outlook, and you better believe you cannot give thanks to God for what you DO have when you are so focused on what you don’t have.

Once I began to see the cup half full I also didn’t need any further explaining about what joy was, because i knew. I looked back and said to myself, Oh thats what they were talking about. Something so simple, yet so buried beneath the history of lies, deceits, and products of the devils device and illusion he uses to trap so many people in a state of depressed existence. All I needed was a chance to breathe a breath of fresh air. An aspiration of God which quikened my spirit, animated it and brought it to life. Oh how I can give Him thanks for even the things I don’t have right now cause I trust He knows better what I need and when. i have prayed so many times for the lost that they might be granted an oasis, a brief moment in their deception, a clean window to see through not muddied from the torment of the world, a breath of fresh air by the Holy Ghost, that they might have an opportunity to see the truth of their current situation and how God is the only light, life, way and truth in this world. he is their salvation if they can just stop for a minute and admit they need deliverance and healing. Oh Jesus if I might petition you once more for your mercy that one, just one – you choose- might be freed and adjudicated NOT GUILTY before your throne. You are the Great and Mighty decision maker oh God! And I thank you for you are just.

Oh Lord I thank you for the remembrance of where I came from. A glass half empty, that you filled and showed me how it was half full. For you told me ” Here watch my child.” as you kept filling it and you asked me ” My son, can something be half empty if its on its way to overflow? “.

My Countenance

just me — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 05:01:11 +0000

When I was doing time about 2 and a half years ago, I was transfered from one facility to another. This was SOP especially for program attendance and things of that nature. Well, when you get on the bus, or the plane, to finally make your way to the next joint sometimes you get lucky and get a non-stop ticket, no lay overs, no changing buses. I got lucky like that the first three times I got transfered. The last time I wasn’t so lucky. The last time I got a real treat. You see there are certain facilities in the United States they use for transfer stations, or hubs. A couple I know of are Miami, Tallahassee, Oklahoma, and Atlanta. Most are Federal Detention Centers where people under indictment without bond are held while going to trial. The worst one in the whole country is in Atlanta. This prison is over a hundred years old and they call it Castle Greyskull. It’s very intimidating to drive up to at night while a huge door opens and swallows up a whole bus with guys with shotguns everywhere as you go in. My last trip I got stuck in this hold over for 3 days, which was three of the longest days of my life. I say that because they put me in a cell with two other guys. A cell is only made for two. And both of these guys had been there for over 40 days. When you get there, you will not know when you are leaving until they bang on the cell door and tell you to pack it up. Thats right I said bang on the door, because it’s 23 hour lockdown there most of the time, you are locked in the cell for 23 hours out of the day. When I got there they handed me these rags that were out of a movie, or a carnaval or something. They were torn and frayed, top to bottom, socks were quitters, and both the boxers and the socks that used to be white were now soiled brown from filth. They were clean though, just looked like they used dirty water to clean them. They had a burnt smell to them I guess from the commercial dryers. I have no idea. So three guys were stuck in a cell together for 23 hours, meals slid in through a hatch in the door. The nurse wouldnt talk to you unless you were having chest pains, and the only water you got was out of the water fountain-like sink which didnt shoot it up high enough, so it dribbled all over the porcelyn fountain head which you could hold your styrofoam cup under to collect it. Needless to say my lips dried up due to dehydration, and I had to use hair grease to keep them from falling off. The second night I was there they brought in a fourth guy. From what I heard, I was lucky to get one night with only three guys in this cell. Did I forget to tell you I had to sleep on the floor (with a mattress that was about 2.5 inches thick). My feet were about six inches from the base of the toilet. I moved the top of my mattress to fill the bottom of the door crack to keep the rats out at night when they turn the lights out. Most cells had four men in them already, and I had heard there were five in some at one point and time. Just so you know this is only the hold over portion of the prison. The rest of the prison has three men in them at all times I believe. I’ve left out so many details, but you get the point. That place is not fit for human dwelling, I dont know how they get away with it. Some guys are forced to live that way for months, waiting on their bus to get them or for space in the joint they are going, while some even get forgotten and passed over for that long. It is used for punishment to others who have gotten kicked out of a lower security facility on their way to a higher security one. So why did I take you into the hell I was in for those three days, where no human being should ever have to experience, ever?

The reason I brought you there is because through all that I had something so special that gave me peace. I walked out of the cell the first time they let us out, and I was walking amongst 100 guys I had never seen before form all over the country, and even the world. Everybody on their way to somewhere, in the middle of nowhere, doing time in the federal system. Some had 2 years left, some had done thirty and had twenty left. As I was walking i noticed this guy with red hair was watching me. He looked familiar but I knew I had never actually seen him before. He didn’t know me and I didn’t know him. I was new in my faith and walk at that time, it had been about a year. This guy walked up to me as I was moving closer and he stopeed me. He said to me are you Christian? And I said yes I am actually, why do you ask. And he said he saw a glow all around my head and my face. And you know that really floored me, but at the same time I knew this man had spiritual discernment and a relationship with Christ as well. He saw the joy of the Spirit all over me. He knew I had the Spirit of God.

So what is the point of all that? You know the things of God are so precious and can slip away faster than you can realize they are even beginning to slip if you dont guard them with your life. The diamonds and gold of this world, cars, and things that are precious to us, we protect and covet. But when it comes to the Spiritual things of God, the fruits and gifts of the Spirit do we treat them the same? Over the last year that glow has disappeared. I only realized that when someone really close to me, who I hadn’t known for that long told me they couldn’t see the happiness on my face and my attitude wasn’t like they know Christians should have. Oh my what that does that mean about my relationship with Christ? I noticed I don’t wake up in the morning with a smile on my face like I used to anymore either, and I was in prison no less. The more I think back to that time in prison the more I see what I have lost in the last year. It is so troubling for me to think I was happier in prison, than I am now free. I know it is just the fact I have put distance between myself and God. It’s so ungrateful for me to be this way. I am a free man afer 5 1/2 years, and I have lost my joy? Oh Jesus I want it back! I want back what I apparently did not guard with my life. I was warned about this before, to guard the Spirit with my life. Father I am ready to stand on the wall with my trumpet. I wanna come home Father, I wanna come home……

Getting Grounded

just me — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 05:49:15 +0000

I wasn’t going to write tonight. I’m not writing just for the sake of writing you know. But as I was brushing my teeth about three minutes ago, I remembered a dream I had yesterday morning which I was awaken from to the sitting position. I had a revalation from it just now I figured was worthy of writing down. The dream was this, I was flying around in this airplane, I was doing the flying, but I was flying at a low altitude, perhaps right after take off. This was a prop plain single engine although the size of the engine was not part of the details. I was flying around unitl I realized (ironically enough from past dreams I have had of flying) that since I was so low (which didnt seem that low) there was a possibility of running into power lines. So I looked around and sure enough i was headed for a patch of power lines. (I know power lines are pretty low but remember this is a dream) So I immediately pulled the stick back and gave the engine more gas and began to go straight up. Well as this was happening there was no way I was going to miss the lines, so I turned the plane away to the right and as I did this because I was pretty much going straight up I began to lose control of the plane. So I completely go into this out of control toss in this plane lasting for about long enough for me to start having a mini heart attack, and all of a sudden I am falling from the sky with one of those large wood planes, that you throw in the air and it does tricks, between my legs as if Im riding it in this free fall. And I have this drag behind me I dont know from what but its kind of controling my descent just enough to where I still feel like Im free falling but instead kinda gliding in really hott to the ground. As I’m nearing the ground my drag gets caught in a tree just in time to keep me from splatting on the ground where I actually land with just a couple of bracing steps to my feet, like when you jump off a moving object moving fast enough that when you land on the ground all you have to do is catch your self in stride.

So pretty weird dream I know, and it had me kinda twisted because of something that happened that night before I fell asleep. Something that kept me up for hours that I was dealing with in my own head. Something that was coming up against my spirit, something I felt I had failed at dealing with. Well I thought the dream was representation of my beginning to fly and then crashing. Representative of my recent victory at reigniting the battle of separating my spirit from my flesh and denying the lust of there of. I felt like I was a failure, and my dream was confirming it for me. I had that dragging feeling all day like I was dragging a prison ball behind me most of the day. The ball of failure. My day wasn’t so hott. It wasn’t that bad, but it wasn’t that hott. I had not thrown up the white flag in my battle, I only knew I had to fight harder from here on out. I actually had some peace throughout the day because I could still notice some progression in my quest of growing closer to Christ.

I went to church tonight, Praise God, and my pastor preached a message which summed up everything I had been doing over the last two weeks, it was so encouraging to me to be able to shout in joy and triumph when he spoke about the things I was going through (instead of saying to myself yeah I used to do that and stand for that, I still believe that and know its the truth, and deep down inside knowing Im slacking hoping it wasnt obvious). I knew I was on the right track with what I was doing, and I would begin to be able to enjoy small victories one after the other. But when I thought about that dream just a few minutes ago, I realized it wasn’t a dream of failure. It wasn’t a dream about me finally starting to be able to take off and fly like I’m free and then crashing. It was a dream that the Lord showed me that I was once out of control and as i was falling He helped me, He slowed my fall and saved me from my plummet to eternal death. He showed me that I am on my way to getting grounded and it’s going to be a process all the way unitl I’m standing still in one spot with Him. I know even when my feet hit the ground I’ve gotta do a lot of work in slowing them down because I was coming in hot. God was letting me know I am getting grounded once again, that He was faithful to me every inch of my descent, and it’s time now to get my berrings and stand!

Breakin’ Up

just me — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 03:01:27 +0000

Today I had a huge break up. This person was dragging me down, igniting rage and hatred inside of me, causing me to question myself and my ability to be a man, preoccupying me with vain thoughts, diverting my attention from God and what is important, leading me to compromise in compromising situations, frustrating me to no end, stealing my joy, trying to depress me and oppress me, suppressing the Spirit inside of me, pretty much leading me to my death. So today I decided I wasn’t going for it any longer. I had some amazing revelations through my recent studies, which I just picked up again after this person had been subliminally demanding my attention to other places. I made some decisions that I needed to work on my relationship with Christ as I apparently had drifted out of earshot of Him. This person really didn’t care for that decision at all. It was something I felt very strongly that I needed to do finally. It really was the decision that led me here to this break up. The bible talks about being unequally yoked, this relationship was the epitome of this condition. I had someone really special in my life telling me time and time again how this relationship was unhealthy, and I needed to look at myself and recognize what was happening. I knew this someone was right but I felt I had it all under control. We never see it as clearly when we’re mixed up in the middle do we? We always think we know what we’re doing, ” I know but……”, “I know but let me tell you about you….”, “Your right but you need to do this….”, ” Don’t worry about me so much, you have this and that to deal with….”. The famous words to get it off of us, huh? Well it’s always easier to consume ourselves with someone else. So I decided to tell this person I wasn’t going to take any more, it wasn’t good for me any more. Today I finally broke up with myself.

I know it sounds really crazy, but it’s the truth. You know when one comes to Christ, it is an answer to His calling us out from the world. His calling for us to come out of the world, to be separated from the world. To take a rest from our flesh. It is a realization and the very point where the spirit starts to separate from the flesh. This awakening re-engages the age old battle between body and spirit, waged by the devil against Adam. The body is of the world, terrestrial, and the spirit heavenly, or celestial. The two don’t mix. It’s almost as if the soul hangs in limbo waiting to see which will be victorious and establish it’s eternal resting place, with God in Heaven, or with Satan in eternal torment. The flesh is only able to be overcome with the help of the Holy Spirit. The flesh is too overpowering without it. Our spirit is out-matched. But never the less, this battle is called spiriual warfare, and God has equipped us with supernatural armor (Eph 6:10-18). The best thing about it is we have the Victory if we believe! The devil would decieve us into believing it’s a lie, and we cannot overcome. It is a necessary battle, the denying of our fleshly lusts, without it we cannot grow close to God. We will not make it into heaven. The whole point is sacrificing our life here on earth, in order to live our life eternal with Christ. The length of our life on earth is compared to the time it takes for a blade of grass to grow one day and withereth the next. If you compare the life of a blade of grass next to the life of this planet, we can see it is but the time it takes for one of our breaths in a single day to leave our lungs compared to a 70 year long life worth of breaths. The average person takes about 28,800 breaths a day (based on a 20 breath per minute average). so multiply 28,800 by 365 and then multiply that number by 70. I would gladly trade one breath to be able to breath that many more times. The devil would have us to believe this hour compared to eternity is all we have to live, he blinds the eyes of the decieved. He tricks us into loving this life to the death, or till the day we die. This life is meaningless in the consistency of this world. The only purpose of it is to give it up to God like Christ did. If we cannot separate ourselves, or do not choose to separate ourselves from this world we will perish with it when that time comes. It will be destroyed by fire, for God promised Moses, and his seed, He would never again destroy it by water. The next time would be by fire. That fire sounds a lot like the hell I know waiting for unrepentful sinners. So thats why I have broken up with my carnal self, that my spiritual self may grow up into Christ, a perfect man. That God my Father in Heaven may be glorified and His will be done. I told my carnal self it was time to take a long walk off a short bridge.

Baby Food

just me — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 04:32:50 +0000

You know, I have been blessed at an early stage in my walk with God, with an ability to understand the word of God as it is written. I ‘ve never been good at reading comprehension, but God took my weakest ability, and made it a strength for His purpose. As I studied diligently for two and a half years. the first two and a half years of my walk with the Lord, I found myself able to have conversation with men who had been studying (or claimed to have studied) the Word for ten and more years, pastors even. I was able to speak of spiritual things on a level that did not match my “age”. I grasped the concepts of holiness and truth, when there seemed to be so many struggling with the more simple aspects of a relationship with Christ. It seemed there was so much error in the assembly, and we know the Word of God warns us of this. I have such a long way to go, but the Lord had brought me so far so fast. I’ve asked myself why many times, but I know He has a perfect reason for it which I have had glimpses of. You see time is short, the devil’s time is short.

So what am I talking about. Well I’ve come to the stark realization that I soaked so much up in such a short amount of time, I have not had time to work it out in my life. As spiritual as I was during those two and a half years, when I was finally matched up with the fulness of the world, I floundered. Being locked up in a synthetic world for 5 and a half years, I only had 25% of the world to battle. The Lord knew I would not be able to apply myself with 100% of the world against me. I see this in the free world everyday, people with the desire to know God, but unable to pry themselves away from the distractions of the world. He had prepared a cocoon for me to change in, to be reborn in. I’ve always been thankful for the time I spent away. He had taken me and locked me away where the world could barely get to me. He showed me I have the ability to remove myself from the world and abide in Him. He fed me the world in a small dosage to overcome, to show me I could with His help. IF I WANTED TO. It was my choice, I still had to make the choice in there, just like it is a choice out here. There is no in between, no mixture that will be accepted by Christ. A little leaven leavens the whole lump.

So I have been like a babe in Christ lately, carnal being led by my flesh in so many ways. With all this understanding and truth, I have been overwhelmed by the five senses of my flesh (5 major ways the devil attacks). With the other 75% of the world to overcome, I have fallen victim to myself, my selfish desires which I put in between me and the most magnificent and glorious gift man has ever been given. The war between my Spirit as it battles my flesh, is not a pretty thing. It’s the most horrific thing I think I’ve ever been through. I understand why people give up and quit. This is not meant for the feable hearted. It gets really nasty at times. I have had a hard time feeling the Spirit, and the sorrow of all the lost souls in the world. That is a feeling every Christian shoud feel, its our burden to carry as our fellow human beings are led astray and into the bottomless pit. I have been beyond the ability to shed a tear in most cases where it was regular for me to weep while praying nightly. The presence of the Lord and the Holy Ghost makes our flesh weep, for it is a divine feeling our body cannot contain or even handle. I can handle meat of the word, but I slip in the milk of my walk. It’s quite frustrating, but the Lord chastises those whom He loves. He places angels in our life who minister to our needs, for God knows what we need before we even ask.

I can’t believe how carnal I have been. More spiritual than most who call themselves Christian, but not spiritual enough to say I follow Christ. I thank God He has never forsaken me. I have always asked Him to hold on to me when my grip is weak, and to never ever let go of me under any circumstances. He knows how selfish I used to be before prison, and it would take some working out in the real world to get it all out. As much as I would share and give to even people I didnt know, I was selfish to the ones who were closest to me. I realize now how close God has always been to me, because of what He’s gone through to get me to the point I’m at now, where i realize the whole time I’ve only been selfish to Him. He has already gone to the ends of the earth to call us out of the world, why do we resist? That fight is the separation of the spirit from the flesh manifest. If I can just cast off my flesh and walk in the Spirit. I used to pray that prayer everyday. Things were good then. I heard God’s voice often. I felt His presence daily. Maybe I should start praying that again.

Set Free

just me — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 22:27:48 +0000

Its kinda interesting….. it seems once someone is set free, the natural desire is to be bound again. Maybe not to the same thing, but to something. Maybe it’s the human soul and how God created it in union and connection with Himself that when we are separated we desire to be connected to something in order to fill the void. Maybe it’s our natural instinct since Adam was expelled from the Garden of Eden totally separated from God to die. Or maybe its our distinct existence apart from God, seemingly with no purpose, but to eat and drink, lonely in the middle of misunderstanding and ignorance. It seems no matter what the case, we are all bound to or by something. Everyone has feelings and emotions, which create desires and relationships, animate or inanimate, whether intended or unintended. Its our human nature which keeps us separated from the life gloriously bound to Jesus Christ. In the bible it’s called idolatry. Placing anything before God in worship or reverence, which consumes the time belonging to the One who set you free to begin with, is idolatry. Faithful, a word reduced to the relationship between a man and a woman, was defined and exemplified by God and the Jews first, and presently between He and His church (or assembly). Faithful is antonymous to idolatry in the bible, for when one was unfaithful, they were idolatrous.

How many times do we see this occur in our lives. When the connection (or bond) between men and women is destroyed, one spends overtime at work, the other at the gym. They become bound to, or by, their emotions and in turn to what ever is the escape from the emotions. Sometimes drugs or alcohol, gambling, or a promiscuous lifestyle, anything to fill the void of the bond that was broken. It is inherently human to desire bondage, we can see this in 1 Sam 8, when Israel demanded a king even when they and all their possessions would be bound by the king.

After all this philosophy, the question I’ve had to ask myself is what am I trying to replace my bondage to the Lord with? How did I become free from the bondage which gave me life? I want to be bound by the Lord. I know the only other bondage is that of the world. There is nothing but death in the world, sin. Life is bondage to Christ. Its almost as if the devil came and tried to spring me from the bondage of life. He tried to deceive me taunting me with things of the world. Through my feelings and emotions he toyed with me whispering with his lies. I thought I was prepared for it when I stepped out of those prison gates, the iron ones that bound my body for 5 and a half years. I knew he would try me and I would be tested. I have suffered through many failures over the last year, and have become ashamed of myself. There is no shame in the Lord. I had no idea how much strength, perservearance, and determination it would take, how much help of the Holy Ghost I would need to overcome the enemy. The enemy is relentless and has so much artillery at its disposal. I needed to be persistent with my studying and prayer with fasting, as I am but a man in the middle of a tsunami, only made to withstand by my bondage to Christ. I am not playing the game at my home field anymore, I am but a visitor. I need to change my game.

Have I been set free only to fall back into the same old bondage i was set free from? Paul spoke of this in Galatians 4:9. Have I not studied that time and again? Did I not heed the warning? Did I not know this would come. Famous words: Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall. Its just amazing how every single word of that book people claim was written by men just seems to come to life everyday. Humility, oh ye who ask for it be cautious to receive the training thereof.

Who Am I?

just me — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 06:07:58 +0000

I am new to this…but I guess I’ve already put myself out there like an open book for the whole world to see, might as well try to make something positive come out of it. My walk with God is my life, cause if I stop walking with God I know my hope is gone. He has given me everything I never had, answered all my questions, and removed all the fear I always denied having. He showed me what true love is, and how a person can be completely changed. He showed me truth, gave me understanding, and made my weaknesses my strengths. He allowed me to see the world did not revolve around me, and there was a cause greater than my own. I could go on and on, maybe I will another day. Right now I’m so disappointed in myself. Of all that He has done for me I have been unfaithful. It is true He is the only Faithful.

I gave my life to Christ over three years ago, I’ve been sober for over 6 and a half years, I got out of prison a year ago, and have finally truly Loved a woman for the first time. I don’t know if I can fit anything more on my plate to fight for, but I’m sure I’ll try if there is anything left. There seem to be so many aspects of my life, my walk with God, in transition. I don’t know why I would want to complicate it more. I guess out of sheer ignorance and selfishness. I have fallen and tripped so many times over the last year. The enemy has had a field day with me, and I’ve been an easy prey. Like a sheep led to the slaughter. I feel weakened through my shame. It’s so hard to get back what you’ve allowed to fade into the background. Not that I will give up, because I wont. Just when I thought I had everything under control I find out how out of control everything can get, and how fast. The enemy is so subtle, a little here, a little there. Before I know it I’m compromising so many aspects of my walk. Things I said I would never compromise. The one thing I hold on to is the Church and God’s Truth. Even finding a church proved to be a test. Would I compromise there as well? I’ve thought about it. So tempting.

Anyways, transition. I’m juggling these different aspects of my life and walk with God, and trying to be aware of how they can change and define who I am. I’m trying to manage, I’m crying out to God to actually manage it for me because I cannot on my own. I know what it takes…fasting, prayer, studying, meditating, and fellowship. This world is oh so consuming with all of it’s distractions, delicacies, and acts considered “normal”. There is so much to keep me busy, or not so busy. Distractions to take my focus off of what is the only important thing in my life, my walk with God. It’s crazy to say how blessed I was being in prison. It was easier to be diligent in studying, fasting, praying, and meditating. Oh how blessed I was by that time I spent with the Lord. He showed me things I have not deserved to see by my own standards. You see God’s standards are different than ours, we must be so careful. He sees what we cannot because our vision is so polluted, and with good reason for we could not handle to fully - completely see through God’s eyes. Our hearts prevent that anyways.

So who am I? Before I walked out of prison I knew who I was. I stood on what I knew, I knew who I was in the Lord. As I re-entered the world, the world has tried to re-define who I am, and what I stand for. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people trying to persuade me that I dont really know who I am. That I am trying to be someone I am not. That I really don’t want to be a man of God, that I am just lost and confused. That I really like the things I despise. They don’t have a clue of the war going on in my spirit, and how the enemy is using them to try and push me away from God. The enemy operates through their own confusion to try to convince me the old man was who God created me to be. I know better, but the enemy is throwing everything at me. And yes I have lost some battles. I have become selfish in ways. Selfish from God. I have become resentful to my calling at times. I have run and hid, and closed my ears, even placed things before my walk with God. All through spite and selfishness. I have not waited on the Lord as He had waited faithfully for me for 29 years. How much longer will I continue this? As patient as He was, you would think I could be for Him.

No…. I know who I am. I also know the devil doesn’t want me to be who I am in the Lord. He wants me to be who I was when I served him. He lost me for sure, and I know he will never give up trying to persuade me to come back to him. He will continue to put things in my life to preoccupy me. He will continue to bring pain in my life. He will continue to try and steal my joy and cause confusion. He will continue to try and oppress me, suppress me, and depress me. He wants me to recieve death as he has been sentenced to. I know what Jesus has done for me, for all of us, and I know how to recieve the eternal gift. I thank God for His Spirit, as I see so many struggling without it. Struggling to understand His word, struggling to understand what seperates them from God. I pray for all who have a pure heart, that they may find that place of rest where God hath called all to meet Him.